I Miss Us
I remember grocery trips, not too long ago. Ones with just my husband. I had my list full of things that only we cared to keep in the house, we might grab a sweet treat for later that night. Trips were quick but pleasant, then a quiet drive home... put the groceries away, maybe do a couple things around the house, maybe take a nap or watch a movie. That seems like such an amazingly long time ago now. And as much as I love our children - and I mean with every single part of my being, I LOVE my children and am so blessed to have them.... sometimes I miss us.
I miss being husband and wife, a duo, a couple. Holding a hand because we didn't need both. Now it's solo grocery trips while the other one holds down the fort. Or family trips while one is keeping the kids calm enough to function in public, and the other is price checking in the frozen section. It's a constant tag team game of "control the chaos and hopefully we're not too tired later to watch an episode of Fixer Upper or maybe even have a real conversation after they go to bed."
I miss our weekends. Brunching on Sundays, hand in hand walks in the Spring, going out to the movies on a whim together. Where we once spent every waking/non-working moment together, we now have to pay someone just to be alone, make plans weeks ahead of time to see a movie or grab an ice cream.
I miss conversations about nothing. About dreams, about projects. Travel, random things, nonimportant things, big important things. Middle of the night, middle of the day - whole conversations with beginnings and ends, and no disruptions.
I often look at our lives and think of how full it is. Full of life, love, responsibilities, plans, obligations, people, tasks; pure blessings - all of them. But nonetheless, much more complicated than I could have imagined. They say the first year of marriage is the hardest. We disagreed, and argued that the first year of parenthood was the hardest. But now I think maybe neither are true at all. It's not the short stint of any 12 months in our relationship that has been taxing, but the long stint of the almost 6 years we've been together - and the hopefully 70+ we have ahead of us. Marriage changed us, parenthood changed us, and as we go we change over and over again until all that we've poured ourselves into becomes who we are.
And of course you might be sitting there, thinking that me - Sara - the girl who always seems positive has gone off the deep end. That I hate my life, and I assure you it couldn't be further from the truth.
Who we have become because of parenthood, adulthood (remember we were married at just 19, and had already been together for 5 years), responsibilities and change, we are who we are today with full schedules, full lives, and very full hearts. We are better. But it doesn't go to say I don't sometimes look back at those days - lazy days when we didn't know what we had. Time, rest, whimsy, wonder, and a little bit of ignorance - the bliss of such things. Things as simple as grocery store runs, spare time, and spontaneity... and miss it.
But I think it's okay, to miss it. To look back at who we used to be and wish we could be them for just a single moment. To just be us. But here we are in the thick of it. Chaos coursing through the veins of our home, a young family. In the midst of the chaos, the hardships, the stress, fatigue, joy - the pure blessings of it all. I'll stay thankful for the now, as taxing as it may be. I know eventually we'll return. A little worn, weathered. Perhaps wiser. Older, too. And I'll not take for granted any of these seasons - because I know surely, someday I'll be missing this instead.