12 Useless Things Parenting has Taught Me

Being a parent is so enriching. It enlightens us and teaches things about ourselves and our environments we never knew before. It gives us new perspective, makes us grow as human beings, and gives us reason to be better people.

It also.... teaches us some really useless things that will literally never help us in our adult lives, ever. Literally ever. The amount of useless, ridiculous knowledge I now have is astounding and it's no wonder I can't remember my own birthday, where the car keys are, or the last time I showered. Because my brain power is being taken up half by trying to be one step ahead of twin toddlers (nigh impossible), and half with soaking up this stuff. So I thought it would be nice to have a little Friday Fun and share.

1. I know how to get into Mickey's special clubhouse. And how to get Toodles to bring all the Mousketools to beat Pete once again in his epic power struggle for clubhouse rule. I know why Sophia can talk to animals, the names of all of Doc's toys, who Hans, Christoph, and Sven are, and I know all the lyrics to the Octonauts Creature Report song. 

2. I know that you can have an entire heated argument using only one-syllable words, one two-worded sentence, and gibberish. Somehow I still LOSE that argument.

3. I know that my car will start speaking and displaying French if you push enough buttons. Which by the way, was kind of really complicated to change back.

4. I can recite from start to finish, completely from memory - 4 Dr. Seuss books, 3 Sandra Boynton books, Goodnight Moon, and a whopping 6 Al Perkins books.

5. I know which brand of diapers is which based solely on the pattern peeking out of a kids' waistband. 

6. I know what brand that stroller is 100 feet away from me on the sidewalk, and I know which car seat is perched on top of it and the name of the pattern on the muslin swaddle blanket on top of it. I also know which diaper bag that is, which brand bottles she's using, and which aisle she found that toy in at Target.

7. Melissa and Doug are scattered all over my living room floor right now. Tommy Tippee is somewhere in the cabinet, and there's some Munchkin in my dishwasher. 

8. I know why toddler leashes exist now and can't say I blame people for buying them.

9. I know that a Costco membership is worth every penny based solely on the fact that they have double carts and free snacks.

10. I know that silence is NOT golden, that it is very suspicious, and upon discovering silence, you should probably grab a roll of paper towels before looking for the silence.

11. I know just how many snacks and toys I need to bring to Target and can calculate that based on this equation: (X + Y)/Z = # of Distractions. Where X = how many items on my list, Y = Scale of one to ten on how cranky they are today and Z = how many hours they napped. If Z = 0, well you can't divide by 0, therefore the answer does not exist because there is no amount of snacks and toys that will get us through Target in that case. (SEE? I paid attention in algebra... kind of.)

12. I know that white is not a safe color. Black is not a safe color. Pants without stretch in them are not a viable option. Neither are heels. Or most jewelry. Or purses without a zipper/padlock. Or purses without room for copious amounts of snacks (see #11). And that baby wipes will work when you so mistakenly wore black to lunch.

So there you have it. What has parenting taught you lately?